Tools
claude #3563
Posted 3/18/2004 1:31 PM (#2777)
Subject: Tools



Expert

Posts: 2471
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Location: Middleburg, Pa
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the
object we are trying to hit.


MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
containing seats and motorcycle jackets.


ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you
die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes
in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.


PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads.


HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and
the more you attempt to influence it's course, the more dismal your
future becomes.


VISE-GRIPS:
Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can
also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
hand.


OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your
garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake
drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.


WHITWORTH SOCKETS:
Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they
are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 inch socket
you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.


DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly painted part you were drying.


WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint from
your fingers and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it
takes you to say "Ouch...."


HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have
installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the front fender.


EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4:
Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.


TWEEZERS:
A tool for removing wood splinters.


PHONE:
Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.


GASKET SCRAPER:
Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise;
used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot. All scrapers should
be inspected before making sandwiches.


BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any
known drill bit.


TIMING LIGHT:
A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.


TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST:
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and
brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.


1/2" x 16"-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately
machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.


BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER:
A handy tool for transfering sulfuric acid from a car battery to the
inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead
as a doornail, just as you thought.


AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.


TROUBLE LIGHT:
The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it
is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not
otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside,
its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same
rate that 105-mm Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the
first few hours of the Battles of the Bulge. More often dark than
light, it's name is some-what misleading. Many can be found shaking
these instruments with while being teased as the light goes on and
off.


PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans
and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as name implies, t
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